Cancelling my Life Insurance

Since I was born, my mother took out a life insurance policy for me in the event that something should happen to me and they needed money for burial procedures. (morbid first sentence, I’m sorry.) I’m sure this was a smart move on her behalf from all the trouble I got into as a kid: Bitten in the face by a dog, needed stitches on my forehead from being accidentally hit with a metal bat, almost drowned in a pool at a campground, went outside in my PJs at night alone in search of my parents, etc. But now, I recently got a job that pays our own life insurance and has a better pay out if (god forbid) something happens to me. Thus, I no longer need my childhood policy.

My Mom gave me the task of calling to cancel it. (This was at least 2 months ago) I have still not done so because every time I go to pick up the phone to do it I think, with my bad luck, I’ll do this and something will happen to me soon after. I do not wish to be responsible for an asteroid hurtling towards earth, a zombie apocalypse, or a nuclear war, just because I was trying to cancel my life insurance policy.

I Immediately Regret This Decision

Last night I finally got around to watching the movie Mr.Nobody and I caught something that was said that pertains to how I think about making decisions.

“You have to make the right choice. As long as you don’t choose, everything is possible.” – Nemo Nobody

I’m not a believer in destiny, or soul mates for that matter. I believe every decision you make will lead you to who you will love, what you will do, and where you will end up. I don’t believe that my choices are already predetermined by some higher being or that certain things were fate. I do however believe in luck and inevitable universal truths.

I have a hard time making decisions about almost anything because I’m afraid I could have had a better outcome. Thus, usually after finally making a choice, I immediately think I should have chosen differently. I’m pretty sure this has to do with my anxiety and my fear of not being in control.

So for laughs, I decided to google ways to deal with indecision. Here is what I got, and what I thought while reading them:

1. “Both Options Can Work” – Umm, not always. Maybe when deciding where to eat, but if I chose to get in 1 subway car instead of another, and there is a madman lurking on it, that is definitely not a decision I can work with.

2. “Speak With a Friend” – Why? So they will think I’m crazy too when it takes me an hour to decide between a burger or chicken nuggets at McDonalds? Although I have to say, it is easier to force someone else to make your decision for you so you have someone to blame for your unhappiness later…it honestly makes you feel better.

3. “Listen to your emotions” – No problem. I will keep a flask of vodka with me at all times. Usually after a few drinks I end up choosing to eat things like Macaroni and Cheese pizza at 2am and to walk barefoot around NYC. (both true stories) Those were choices made purely off emotions. “I’m hungry, My feet hurt, etc.”

4. “Flip a coin” – This is actually not a bad idea but in the opposite way that it is intended. Usually whatever “fate” chooses, I find myself wanting the other. However, if I do end up going with what the coin chooses, and it doesn’t work out for the better, I’m going to assume the universe hates me.

I think my fear of decision making is also because of my past bad decisions. For starters, I shouldn’t have decided to get a kitten in only two weeks time. He is now a full grown cat and with every day that he grew older I remembered…I hate cats. There are moments where I do love him…but the majority of the time I kick myself for making a stupid decision that attacks me constantly and smells up the house.

I’ve also made some poor job decisions in the past, bad love interest choices, and have gotten myself into some stupid messes as a teenager. But I guess all of those choices have inevitably led me to where I am now, which is happy. So why change my indecisive nature? It’s obviously worked out for me so far.

My Brain is Stuck in Disaster Movie Mode

The most traumatizing thing that can happen to me in a subway is realizing that there are people around me that resemble those of cliche characters from disaster movies because then my brain immediately goes to: oh god, we are all going to get trapped down here and have to fight for our lives to get out.

        

I’m not over-exaggerating on this subject at all either, I honestly think this way a lot when I get into a situation that could potentially be a disaster movie scenario. If I look around and see one or a few of these kinds of people that I’m about to list, I get a little nervous that my imagination is going to come true.

Let’s start off with the one that I had today in my subway car:

1. The obnoxious guy that everyone hates: this guy today would not stop cursing when the subways stopped for a few minutes. Just going on and on about how ridiculous this is and how much he hates the subway. Mind you, this was not a hobo who was just talking to himself, he was a nicely dressed man who loves the F-word apparently. I wonder what kind of job that guy has, but in the plot of my disaster movie, he will not be making it out alive. He will most likely go crazy, pull a gun on everyone for no reason and somehow meet his doom. Reminding everyone that it pays to be nice.

2. The cute kid you know is going to live: who kills off a little kid? When that happens in a movie there is usually an outcry of people who were offended by it. I have to say, even when I see a movie where the kid dies I feel a little queezy. Thus if there is a cute little kid on your subway car, just assume he is going to live and don’t worry about helping him.

3. The hero who usually has a family he needs to save or get home to: this is going to be the lead of the movie and is usually good looking for some reason. Usually his only need is to save his family or to get home to them. Unfortunately he usually dies in the end dramatically but not always.

4. Some kind of animal that usually lives: the dog will miraculously survive.

5. The elderly couple (the older woman usually dies): there’s usually a really loving elderly couple who somehow makes it a long time before one of them ultimately dies. For some reason it’s usually the woman, what’s up with that?

6. The comical relief minority: it’s either the smartass Asian or the “DAAAAMN!” and “Oh Heeeeeell No!” African American guy but this person’s sole responsibility is keeping everyone in good spirits. Lucky for them, they often live.

7. Some kind of overweight person, sometimes seemingly on drugs: he’s a goner. This type of person is always very easy to find in any real life situation so I don’t get too scared when I realize there’s one in my subway car.

8. That random guy that has no real personality and no lines that you know is going to die first

So the plot I think up goes something like this. Our subway stops and everyone at first thinks it’s just train traffic ahead. But somewhere outside of the subway, government officials are having an emergency meeting about how all the subways have jammed in the tunnels. Of course there was that one scientist that saw it coming but no one listened to him. To make a very long story short, we’re all doomed.

And thus, this is what I think about when I’m on subway cars, airplanes, buses, boats etc. Guaranteed you will at least think about this post next time your sitting on a plane and you realize your sitting next to an old elderly couple, have a cute little kid sitting behind you, and a man sitting across from you saying that he’s finally going home to see his family for the first time in months.

Anxiety Medicine + Scary Side Effects = Fail

So last week I went to the doctor because I was having some issues with not feeling great in the mornings and getting lightheaded in the subways. I thought maybe I would learn that I needed to drink more water or have more sugar in the mornings. Instead, I was told that it may be caused by my anxiety issues. First off, I didn’t even bring up the fact that I have anxiety, she just guessed it and it was a new doctor I was seeing so she didn’t have any of my medical records. Am I that easy to read?

For the first time, I was prescribed an anti-anxiety medication and given names of therapists to see that may help me overcome my anxiety. I am actually very interested in going to see a therapist and once the holiday season has wrapped up I intend to make an appointment. I’m curious to see what they can uncover about me and why I think the way I do. The pills however I am a little skeptical about. I’m not sure how they work and I don’t know if I’m not going to like the way they feel. The doctor told me to give them a chance and if I don’t like them to stop taking them. I’m supposed to see her again in a month to let her know how therapy and the medication has helped. After debating the issue, I finally took my first pill yesterday. So far I feel no different but online it says it takes a few days to kick in.

However, let me just tell you all about the side effects that these little death capsules could have in store for me. (this of course has caused me more worry in my life) The first thing it says is “You may have thoughts about suicide when you first start taking this medication, especially if you are younger than 24 years old.” Well terrific! I’m not sure exactly how this works but I wonder if I will just decide one of these days when I wake up that my window looks good to jump out of today or my hair dryer looks better plugged in near the bathtub? Or perhaps it will feel something like when I burn my toast in the morning it will cause life to seem so unbearable for me that I would rather kill myself. However it is that this feeling may decide to creep up me from my medication, I told my boyfriend to not allow me on our terrace or around sharp knives.

Continuing on with this list of horrors, here are the common side effects and my quick thoughts on them:

• Anxiety & Nervousness (well we’re right where we started)
• Constipation (gross)
• Diarrhea (gross)
• Dizziness (great)
• Drowsiness (great)
• Nausea (not cool)
• Stomach upset (not cool)
• Trouble sleeping (so I’m either going to be tired or not tired at all?)
• Weight loss (…actually this ones not so bad)

If the common side effects weren’t bad enough, all hell breaks loose during the severe side effects section:

• Bizarre behavior (hmm, like what I wonder? Will I start to wear banana peels on my head and eat dirt?)
• Chest pain (great)
• Confusion (great)
• Decreased bladder control (better start getting diapers)
• Decreased concentration (ADD here I come!)
• Decreased coordination (Let me drive your car 🙂 )
• Fainting (always fun and also what I originally was having issues with when I sought a Doctor)
• Fever (always fun)
• Hallucinations (actually that may be interesting)
• Memory loss (50 First Dates)
• Aggressiveness (gorilla warfare if you touch my snacks!!)
• Impulsiveness (nothing new there, I’d still by an Alpaca if I could)
• Exaggerated feeling of well-being (so even if I feel really good that’s just a side effect? Aw man)
• Inability to sit still (kind of feel like that right now…uh oh)
• Persistent, painful erection (oh no, I’m going to have to keep my eye out for this!)
• Seizures (great)
• Unusual weakness (I shall use this excuse when I lose at things from now on)

Believe it or not, these are not all the side effects, just the one’s I chose to write about. There are many many more. Wouldn’t be surprised if one was just plain death, but I guess if you succeed in your suicide attempts that were brought on by the medicine then that could be an accurate side effect to label.

So if you can get over your anxiety enough to not think that every one of these side effects is going to happen to you, then try an anti-anxiety medication if your doctor prescribes it. I will have to let you guys know if I feel any different after a week or so. I kind of feel like a crazy person having to take an anti-anxiety medicine but I mean if it helps then why not?

Silly Paranoid Moments We All Have

Just to pull you all in and make you feel like you have anxiety/paranoia like me, I’ve decided to list some of the silly things most people do or think about on a daily basis that I relate  to. As you go through this list and see some things that you have done, don’t think of yourself as being a paranoid, think of yourself as being normal. Everyone has those days where their anxiety is kicked up a notch. It’s just humorous to sit back and observe why we do certain things.

1. Go into bathroom but look behind the shower curtain first to be sure there are no murders lurking behind it.
2. While showering, don’t close your eyes for too long because when you open them, murderer will be there waiting.
3. Just came down with a horrible cough…oh my god I wonder if it could be cancer.
4. Don’t let your foot hang off the bed at night, the monsters will grab it.
5. Lock door, check 100 times throughout the night to make sure it is still locked.
6. Watch a scary movie. Afterwards, being in the mindset that suddenly now all those bad things will happen to you.
7. Elevator door doesn’t immediately open and your mind goes straight to being trapped or falling to your death.
8. Driving home after having one beer three hours ago…I’m going to get a DUI.
9. Send mean text about someone. Then check 50 times to make sure  you didn’t send it to that person by mistake.
10. Hear footsteps in the hall at night. It’s robbers.
11. Phone rings at 2am. Oh god, someone died.
12. Mom’s late coming home and isn’t answering her cell phone. I’m going to assume she’s dead.
13. Someone posts on your Facebook wall but you have to wait a little while to respond or they’ll think  you have no life.
14. Gotta take a drug test. Even though I don’t do drugs, I’ll worry anyway that they will find something.
15. Wake up before alarm goes off. Assume your alarm didn’t work and your late now.

For more everyday anxieties, google Paranoid Parrot. You will get tons of them. He is me in cartoon form. 🙂

The Holiday Gift Guide For Your Paranoid Friend

Just in time for the holiday shopping season, here is a list of holiday gifts to give to that special paranoid or anxiety driven someone in your life:

(Click the photos to buy)

1. The Twelve South BookBook Case for Laptops, iPhones and iPads

If your special someone is anything like me, they will constantly be afraid of having their stuff stolen. Every morning before I go to work, I make sure to hide my laptop somewhere in my room “logically assuming” that a possible robber won’t look hard enough to find it. Not anymore with the Twelve South BookBook case. You can now hide your laptop, iPhone or iPad by disguising it as an old boring leather-bound book.

2. The Baker’s Edge Nonstick Edge Brownie Pan

Does your special someone have a sweet tooth but is too stressed about not getting the awesome corner brownies? Fear not! Now everyone can have corner brownies with the Baker’s Edge Nonstick Edge Brownie Pan!!

3. The Spy Bolt Covert Hidden Contents Secret Container

Perhaps your special someone has some diamonds laying around their house that they fear will be lost or stolen. Or maybe your special someone is more normal and has some rolled up cash that they need to put somewhere for safe keeping. The Spy Bolt is perfect for hiding small items in plain sight!

4. Anti-Theft Lunch Bags

Does your special someone feel uncomfortable with leaving their precious lunches in the company refrigerator for fear that someone may steal it? No more worrying with these anti-theft bags that make it seem as if your sandwich is moldy and disgusting when really it is fresh and delicious. The only worry they will have now is if one of your coworkers actually decides to clean out the fridge. Haha, yeah right!

5. The Plug Mug

Another gift for your office working special someone, the plug mug! Is your special someone convinced that her gross coworker with the constant herpes outbreaks keeps stealing their mug to use, then this is the perfect gift. The plug is detachable and can be kept with you while your not using the mug so if anyone else tries to use it they will have a horrible mess to clean up.

6. Mustache on a Stick

Perhaps your special someone has social anxiety and hates to go out to the store in fear of seeing someone she knows. With Mustache on a Stick they can quickly and easily disguise themselves as someone else! No one will have any idea who you are anymore when you put mustache on a stick up to your nose. Expect to hear a lot of, “Sorry I thought you were someone else.” Mustache on a Stick comes in three exciting colors: Black, Grey, and Brown!

7. Suitjamas

Is your special someone so nervous about looking like a hobo when going to sleep for fear of seeing someone they know or someone really good looking in the middle of the night? Well they can put those worries to sleep (pun) when you get them Suitjamas! Now you can sleep comfortably and still look sexy. Like Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother says, “it’s about looking good ALL the time.”

8. The Ultimate Swiss Army Knife

Does your special someone fear they will be in a situation where they will need something but won’t have it? Do they have anxiety when flying or sailing because they are afraid of crashing on some deserted island with only one item on them? Well now they can rest easy knowing that they will be deserted with this little baby. The Ultimate Swiss Army Knife has 85 tools combined into it. Become the ruler of the island and have other survivors bow down to you with this little tool.

9. Medieval Warrior Umbrella Sword Cane

Does your special someone ever feel scared when walking home in the rain in the night by themselves? Then this is the perfect gift for them. When lingering criminals see the handle to this umbrella, they’ll know you are not to be messed with. However, if a real Medieval Warrior see’s this and challenges you to a fight to the death, I’d run. “Don’t make me think I won’t cut you” will be your new catch phrase!

10. Vampire Killing Kit

Does your special someone wear garlic on them at all times, get scared watching the Twilight movies and took a wood carving class just to learn how to carve a cross into a stake? Then this Vampire Killing Kit is the perfect holiday gift. No longer will they have to fear the undead! They can become a modern day Van Helsing and rise above the Vampires!

Be sure to show that special paranoid or anxiety driven someone in your life just how much you care about them even with their crazy “mental condition”.

Happy Holidays! 🙂

My Google-Diagnosis – Anxiety Disorder

After Google-diagnosing myself, I’ve come to the very real conclusion that I have a type of Anxiety Disorder referred to as Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) as well as a slight case of Panic Disorder. As defined by the Anxiety Disorders Association of America (ADAA), “Generalized Anxiety Disorder is characterized by persistent, excessive, and unrealistic worry about everyday things. People with the disorder experience exaggerated worry and tension, often expecting the worst, even when there is no apparent reason for concern. They anticipate disaster and are overly concerned about money, health, family, work, or other issues. They don’t know how to stop the worry cycle and feel it is beyond their control, even though they usually realize that their anxiety is more intense than the situation warrants. GAD affects 6.8 million adults, or 3.1% of the U.S. population, in any given year. Women are twice as likely to be affected.” Panic Disorder on the other hand is just a fancy word used to describe Panic/Anxiety Attacks which I don’t get often but have had.

I have always had this sort of lingering anxiety in my mind but only recently has it become a little out of control at times. I’ve never brought it up to a doctor before for fear of them having to run tests on me or prescribing me “zombie medication”. (Yes, you will be able to see/find my posts laced with worry) Of course I entertained the idea of resorting to prescription medication but why would I want to dull down my ridiculous imagination? “Normal” people riding the subway when it stops between stations may simply get aggravated and wait for it to move again. My brain on the other hand immediately concocts an elaborate action movie scenario where the train is being hijacked by terrorists and I must survive. In my mind this is a total possibility to me by the way, joking aside.

With all of this medical mumbo jumbo it’s easy for some to think that I believe I have some sort of debilitating mental condition that is ruining my life. In reality, I don’t always mind it. Yes it gets annoying when my brain goes into “threat level midnight” mode over the smallest thoughts, especially when I know that I’m being ridiculous, but it makes me who I am in some weird way. I have been thinking of going to therapy though and feel that it may actually give me some interesting posts to write on here about how people try to deal with treating Anxiety Disorders. I’ve read that many people who feel that they have anxiety are too afraid to seek help for it because they are ashamed or believe people will think they are a hypochondriac. I on the other hand don’t feel ashamed in telling someone that I’m a tad bit crazy because honestly everyone that I’ve found to be interesting in this world was at least a little insane.

“I guess the line between being paranoid and being a rock star is smaller than one would expect.” – Brian Molko

– LaLa