Cancelling my Life Insurance

Since I was born, my mother took out a life insurance policy for me in the event that something should happen to me and they needed money for burial procedures. (morbid first sentence, I’m sorry.) I’m sure this was a smart move on her behalf from all the trouble I got into as a kid: Bitten in the face by a dog, needed stitches on my forehead from being accidentally hit with a metal bat, almost drowned in a pool at a campground, went outside in my PJs at night alone in search of my parents, etc. But now, I recently got a job that pays our own life insurance and has a better pay out if (god forbid) something happens to me. Thus, I no longer need my childhood policy.

My Mom gave me the task of calling to cancel it. (This was at least 2 months ago) I have still not done so because every time I go to pick up the phone to do it I think, with my bad luck, I’ll do this and something will happen to me soon after. I do not wish to be responsible for an asteroid hurtling towards earth, a zombie apocalypse, or a nuclear war, just because I was trying to cancel my life insurance policy.

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I Immediately Regret This Decision

Last night I finally got around to watching the movie Mr.Nobody and I caught something that was said that pertains to how I think about making decisions.

“You have to make the right choice. As long as you don’t choose, everything is possible.” – Nemo Nobody

I’m not a believer in destiny, or soul mates for that matter. I believe every decision you make will lead you to who you will love, what you will do, and where you will end up. I don’t believe that my choices are already predetermined by some higher being or that certain things were fate. I do however believe in luck and inevitable universal truths.

I have a hard time making decisions about almost anything because I’m afraid I could have had a better outcome. Thus, usually after finally making a choice, I immediately think I should have chosen differently. I’m pretty sure this has to do with my anxiety and my fear of not being in control.

So for laughs, I decided to google ways to deal with indecision. Here is what I got, and what I thought while reading them:

1. “Both Options Can Work” – Umm, not always. Maybe when deciding where to eat, but if I chose to get in 1 subway car instead of another, and there is a madman lurking on it, that is definitely not a decision I can work with.

2. “Speak With a Friend” – Why? So they will think I’m crazy too when it takes me an hour to decide between a burger or chicken nuggets at McDonalds? Although I have to say, it is easier to force someone else to make your decision for you so you have someone to blame for your unhappiness later…it honestly makes you feel better.

3. “Listen to your emotions” – No problem. I will keep a flask of vodka with me at all times. Usually after a few drinks I end up choosing to eat things like Macaroni and Cheese pizza at 2am and to walk barefoot around NYC. (both true stories) Those were choices made purely off emotions. “I’m hungry, My feet hurt, etc.”

4. “Flip a coin” – This is actually not a bad idea but in the opposite way that it is intended. Usually whatever “fate” chooses, I find myself wanting the other. However, if I do end up going with what the coin chooses, and it doesn’t work out for the better, I’m going to assume the universe hates me.

I think my fear of decision making is also because of my past bad decisions. For starters, I shouldn’t have decided to get a kitten in only two weeks time. He is now a full grown cat and with every day that he grew older I remembered…I hate cats. There are moments where I do love him…but the majority of the time I kick myself for making a stupid decision that attacks me constantly and smells up the house.

I’ve also made some poor job decisions in the past, bad love interest choices, and have gotten myself into some stupid messes as a teenager. But I guess all of those choices have inevitably led me to where I am now, which is happy. So why change my indecisive nature? It’s obviously worked out for me so far.

Silly Paranoid Moments We All Have

Just to pull you all in and make you feel like you have anxiety/paranoia like me, I’ve decided to list some of the silly things most people do or think about on a daily basis that I relate  to. As you go through this list and see some things that you have done, don’t think of yourself as being a paranoid, think of yourself as being normal. Everyone has those days where their anxiety is kicked up a notch. It’s just humorous to sit back and observe why we do certain things.

  1. Go into bathroom but look behind the shower curtain first to be sure there are no murders lurking behind it.
  2. While showering, don’t close your eyes for too long because when you open them, murderer will be there waiting.
  3. Just came down with a horrible cough…oh my god I wonder if it could be cancer.
  4. Don’t let your foot hang off the bed at night, the monsters will grab it.
  5. Lock door, check 100 times throughout the night to make sure it is still locked.
  6. Watch a scary movie. Afterwards, being in the mindset that suddenly now all those bad things will happen to you.
  7. Elevator door doesn’t immediately open and your mind goes straight to being trapped or falling to your death.
  8. Driving home after having one beer three hours ago…I’m going to get a DUI.
  9. Send mean text about someone. Then check 50 times to make sure  you didn’t send it to that person by mistake.
  10. Hear footsteps in the hall at night. It’s robbers.
  11. Phone rings at 2am. Oh god, someone died.
  12. Mom’s late coming home and isn’t answering her cell phone. I’m going to assume she’s dead.
  13. Someone posts on your Facebook wall but you have to wait a little while to respond or they’ll think  you have no life.
  14. Gotta take a drug test. Even though I don’t do drugs, I’ll worry anyway that they will find something.
  15. Wake up before alarm goes off. Assume your alarm didn’t work and your late now.
For more everyday anxieties, google Paranoid Parrot. You will get tons of them. He is me in cartoon form. 🙂

Worrying About Spontaneous Face Combustion

Okay world, you win. You have officially come up with the craziest thing for me to worry about: Spontaneous Face Combustion.

Kim Grice, a 29-year-old mother of three, was having a routine outpatient surgery to remove some growths from her face when it BURST INTO FLAME. This poor woman suffered burns to her face and neck and had to be helicoptered to the University of South Alabama’s Burn Unit on Tuesday morning.

APPARENTLY what happened to Kim Grice was not an isolated incident. Experts have estimated that each year 650 fires flare up in operating rooms around the country. Some patients have recovered with scars and emotional damage but some DIE from burns and smoke inhalation. Why have I never heard of this?!

They are investigating the “flash fire” but apparently the doctors are as surprised as everyone else. I guess this explains the reactions of the doctors in this photo below.

“God golly gosh! This has startled me. What should we do? Let’s marvel at it for a bit. I mean, it IS a medical mystery!”

I can now add a new fear to my list for when I have to have any type of surgery done to me in the future. Thanks world. I’m pretty sure you’re doing this on purpose now just to laugh at people with anxiety and paranoia issues like myself. Awesomeness!

MSNBC article: http://vitals.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/02/9168719-womans-face-catches-on-fire-during-surgery

The Holiday Gift Guide For Your Paranoid Friend

Just in time for the holiday shopping season, here is a list of holiday gifts to give to that special paranoid or anxiety driven someone in your life:

(Click the photos to buy)

1. The Twelve South BookBook Case for Laptops, iPhones and iPads

If your special someone is anything like me, they will constantly be afraid of having their stuff stolen. Every morning before I go to work, I make sure to hide my laptop somewhere in my room “logically assuming” that a possible robber won’t look hard enough to find it. Not anymore with the Twelve South BookBook case. You can now hide your laptop, iPhone or iPad by disguising it as an old boring leather-bound book.

2. The Baker’s Edge Nonstick Edge Brownie Pan

Does your special someone have a sweet tooth but is too stressed about not getting the awesome corner brownies? Fear not! Now everyone can have corner brownies with the Baker’s Edge Nonstick Edge Brownie Pan!!

3. The Spy Bolt Covert Hidden Contents Secret Container

Perhaps your special someone has some diamonds laying around their house that they fear will be lost or stolen. Or maybe your special someone is more normal and has some rolled up cash that they need to put somewhere for safe keeping. The Spy Bolt is perfect for hiding small items in plain sight!

4. Anti-Theft Lunch Bags

Does your special someone feel uncomfortable with leaving their precious lunches in the company refrigerator for fear that someone may steal it? No more worrying with these anti-theft bags that make it seem as if your sandwich is moldy and disgusting when really it is fresh and delicious. The only worry they will have now is if one of your coworkers actually decides to clean out the fridge. Haha, yeah right!

5. The Plug Mug

Another gift for your office working special someone, the plug mug! Is your special someone convinced that her gross coworker with the constant herpes outbreaks keeps stealing their mug to use, then this is the perfect gift. The plug is detachable and can be kept with you while your not using the mug so if anyone else tries to use it they will have a horrible mess to clean up.

6. Mustache on a Stick

Perhaps your special someone has social anxiety and hates to go out to the store in fear of seeing someone she knows. With Mustache on a Stick they can quickly and easily disguise themselves as someone else! No one will have any idea who you are anymore when you put mustache on a stick up to your nose. Expect to hear a lot of, “Sorry I thought you were someone else.” Mustache on a Stick comes in three exciting colors: Black, Grey, and Brown!

7. Suitjamas

Is your special someone so nervous about looking like a hobo when going to sleep for fear of seeing someone they know or someone really good looking in the middle of the night? Well they can put those worries to sleep (pun) when you get them Suitjamas! Now you can sleep comfortably and still look sexy. Like Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother says, “it’s about looking good ALL the time.”

8. The Ultimate Swiss Army Knife

Does your special someone fear they will be in a situation where they will need something but won’t have it? Do they have anxiety when flying or sailing because they are afraid of crashing on some deserted island with only one item on them? Well now they can rest easy knowing that they will be deserted with this little baby. The Ultimate Swiss Army Knife has 85 tools combined into it. Become the ruler of the island and have other survivors bow down to you with this little tool.

9. Medieval Warrior Umbrella Sword Cane

Does your special someone ever feel scared when walking home in the rain in the night by themselves? Then this is the perfect gift for them. When lingering criminals see the handle to this umbrella, they’ll know you are not to be messed with. However, if a real Medieval Warrior see’s this and challenges you to a fight to the death, I’d run. “Don’t make me think I won’t cut you” will be your new catch phrase!

10. Vampire Killing Kit

Does your special someone wear garlic on them at all times, get scared watching the Twilight movies and took a wood carving class just to learn how to carve a cross into a stake? Then this Vampire Killing Kit is the perfect holiday gift. No longer will they have to fear the undead! They can become a modern day Van Helsing and rise above the Vampires!

Be sure to show that special paranoid or anxiety driven someone in your life just how much you care about them even with their crazy “mental condition”.

Happy Holidays! 🙂

New Things to Be Afraid Of: Compliments of My Mother

No wonder I am anxiously nervous about everything, it probably stems from my Mother being the same way. I went home to visit her this weekend and she must have given me at least three new things to worry about.

The first is that she hates going to Chinese Buffets because she is afraid that little kids try food and spit it out back into the tray, touch the food with their hands, and/or sneezes in it. You better believe that next time I go to a Chinese Buffet (which I normally love by the way) I will be thinking about what my mother told me. If any little kids are near me getting food by themselves I will probably have a mini panic attack. I’ll just stick to eating the vegetable dishes…little kids kryptonite.

The second was that if I get a puppy, I will no longer have a life. I reminded her that she has “getting a puppy” mixed up with “having a baby”. She then continued to tell me that the vet bills are ridiculous, you will never get to travel and that you always have to make sure someone is there to let the dog out. I told her that I had answers to all of her puppy having issues and said that I was never going to be able to give her grandchildren if I didn’t know how to take care of something else first. She quickly stopped her puppy debate. Score one for me, but now I have all these cons of having a puppy in my head when I was only focused on this super cute pro:

Lastly, she told me that our dog has not liked being in the basement lately. To the average person this would not seem like a big deal but to me I see it as something evil is living downstairs and my dog feels it’s presence. On top of this, I often have to sleep in my basement when there is a full house and not I will most likely freak myself out with thoughts of the Paranormal Activity movies. Going to be a fun holiday weekend!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I will be returning home in a few days to celebrate the Thanksgiving weekend with her. I’m sure I will have new phobias to write about on here after my visit.

I’m going to start drawing cartoons or taking pictures of my own cat to give me a sort of cartoon/comic book alias in my blog posts. What better character to be then a “scaredy cat”? For now I will steal from Google:

I’ll update this post with drawing’s or pictures when I figure out how I want to go about it. 🙂