Cancelling my Life Insurance

Since I was born, my mother took out a life insurance policy for me in the event that something should happen to me and they needed money for burial procedures. (morbid first sentence, I’m sorry.) I’m sure this was a smart move on her behalf from all the trouble I got into as a kid: Bitten in the face by a dog, needed stitches on my forehead from being accidentally hit with a metal bat, almost drowned in a pool at a campground, went outside in my PJs at night alone in search of my parents, etc. But now, I recently got a job that pays our own life insurance and has a better pay out if (god forbid) something happens to me. Thus, I no longer need my childhood policy.

My Mom gave me the task of calling to cancel it. (This was at least 2 months ago) I have still not done so because every time I go to pick up the phone to do it I think, with my bad luck, I’ll do this and something will happen to me soon after. I do not wish to be responsible for an asteroid hurtling towards earth, a zombie apocalypse, or a nuclear war, just because I was trying to cancel my life insurance policy.


I Immediately Regret This Decision

Last night I finally got around to watching the movie Mr.Nobody and I caught something that was said that pertains to how I think about making decisions.

“You have to make the right choice. As long as you don’t choose, everything is possible.” – Nemo Nobody

I’m not a believer in destiny, or soul mates for that matter. I believe every decision you make will lead you to who you will love, what you will do, and where you will end up. I don’t believe that my choices are already predetermined by some higher being or that certain things were fate. I do however believe in luck and inevitable universal truths.

I have a hard time making decisions about almost anything because I’m afraid I could have had a better outcome. Thus, usually after finally making a choice, I immediately think I should have chosen differently. I’m pretty sure this has to do with my anxiety and my fear of not being in control.

So for laughs, I decided to google ways to deal with indecision. Here is what I got, and what I thought while reading them:

1. “Both Options Can Work” – Umm, not always. Maybe when deciding where to eat, but if I chose to get in 1 subway car instead of another, and there is a madman lurking on it, that is definitely not a decision I can work with.

2. “Speak With a Friend” – Why? So they will think I’m crazy too when it takes me an hour to decide between a burger or chicken nuggets at McDonalds? Although I have to say, it is easier to force someone else to make your decision for you so you have someone to blame for your unhappiness later…it honestly makes you feel better.

3. “Listen to your emotions” – No problem. I will keep a flask of vodka with me at all times. Usually after a few drinks I end up choosing to eat things like Macaroni and Cheese pizza at 2am and to walk barefoot around NYC. (both true stories) Those were choices made purely off emotions. “I’m hungry, My feet hurt, etc.”

4. “Flip a coin” – This is actually not a bad idea but in the opposite way that it is intended. Usually whatever “fate” chooses, I find myself wanting the other. However, if I do end up going with what the coin chooses, and it doesn’t work out for the better, I’m going to assume the universe hates me.

I think my fear of decision making is also because of my past bad decisions. For starters, I shouldn’t have decided to get a kitten in only two weeks time. He is now a full grown cat and with every day that he grew older I remembered…I hate cats. There are moments where I do love him…but the majority of the time I kick myself for making a stupid decision that attacks me constantly and smells up the house.

I’ve also made some poor job decisions in the past, bad love interest choices, and have gotten myself into some stupid messes as a teenager. But I guess all of those choices have inevitably led me to where I am now, which is happy. So why change my indecisive nature? It’s obviously worked out for me so far.

Anxiety Medicine + Scary Side Effects = Fail

So last week I went to the doctor because I was having some issues with not feeling great in the mornings and getting lightheaded in the subways. I thought maybe I would learn that I needed to drink more water or have more sugar in the mornings. Instead, I was told that it may be caused by my anxiety issues. First off, I didn’t even bring up the fact that I have anxiety, she just guessed it and it was a new doctor I was seeing so she didn’t have any of my medical records. Am I that easy to read?

For the first time, I was prescribed an anti-anxiety medication and given names of therapists to see that may help me overcome my anxiety. I am actually very interested in going to see a therapist and once the holiday season has wrapped up I intend to make an appointment. I’m curious to see what they can uncover about me and why I think the way I do. The pills however I am a little skeptical about. I’m not sure how they work and I don’t know if I’m not going to like the way they feel. The doctor told me to give them a chance and if I don’t like them to stop taking them. I’m supposed to see her again in a month to let her know how therapy and the medication has helped. After debating the issue, I finally took my first pill yesterday. So far I feel no different but online it says it takes a few days to kick in.

However, let me just tell you all about the side effects that these little death capsules could have in store for me. (this of course has caused me more worry in my life) The first thing it says is “You may have thoughts about suicide when you first start taking this medication, especially if you are younger than 24 years old.” Well terrific! I’m not sure exactly how this works but I wonder if I will just decide one of these days when I wake up that my window looks good to jump out of today or my hair dryer looks better plugged in near the bathtub? Or perhaps it will feel something like when I burn my toast in the morning it will cause life to seem so unbearable for me that I would rather kill myself. However it is that this feeling may decide to creep up me from my medication, I told my boyfriend to not allow me on our terrace or around sharp knives.

Continuing on with this list of horrors, here are the common side effects and my quick thoughts on them:

  • Anxiety & Nervousness (well we’re right where we started)
  • Constipation (gross)
  • Diarrhea (gross)
  • Dizziness (great)
  • Drowsiness (great)
  • Nausea (not cool)
  • Stomach upset (not cool)
  • Trouble sleeping (so I’m either going to be tired or not tired at all?)
  • Weight loss (…actually this ones not so bad)

If the common side effects weren’t bad enough, all hell breaks loose during the severe side effects section:

  • Bizarre behavior (hmm, like what I wonder? Will I start to wear banana peels on my head and eat dirt?)
  • Chest pain (great)
  • Confusion (great)
  • Decreased bladder control (better start getting diapers)
  • Decreased concentration (ADD here I come!)
  • Decreased coordination (Let me drive your car 🙂 )
  • Fainting (always fun and also what I originally was having issues with when I sought a Doctor)
  • Fever (always fun)
  • Hallucinations (actually that may be interesting)
  • Memory loss (50 First Dates)
  • Aggressiveness (gorilla warfare if you touch my snacks!!)
  • Impulsiveness (nothing new there, I’d still by an Alpaca if I could)
  • Exaggerated feeling of well-being (so even if I feel really good that’s just a side effect? Aw man)
  • Inability to sit still (kind of feel like that right now…uh oh)
  • Persistent, painful erection (oh no, I’m going to have to keep my eye out for this!)
  • Seizures (great)
  • Unusual weakness (I shall use this excuse when I lose at things from now on)

Believe it or not, these are not all the side effects, just the one’s I chose to write about. There are many many more. Wouldn’t be surprised if one was just plain death, but I guess if you succeed in your suicide attempts that were brought on by the medicine then that could be an accurate side effect to label.

So if you can get over your anxiety enough to not think that every one of these side effects is going to happen to you, then try an anti-anxiety medication if your doctor prescribes it. I will have to let you guys know if I feel any different after a week or so. I kind of feel like a crazy person having to take an anti-anxiety medicine but I mean if it helps then why not?

1 in 5 Restaurant Calorie Listings is Off

Of course I come across this article as I am in the process of losing some weight by counting my calories. Apparently some restaurants aren’t entirely correct when listing their meals calories. Tufts University nutrition researchers have shown that nearly one out of five restaurant dishes has at least 100 more calories than what a restaurant states on its website. The underestimated foods came from several restaurant chains, including Chipotle Mexican Grill, Olive Garden, Boston Market and Outback Steakhouse. Of course Chipotle is one of them because I had that today for lunch!!

The lab analysis showed that 19% of the foods tested had 100 or more calories in excess of what was on the website. (Which obviously is awesome because now I get to be paranoid ordering food wondering if I’m just that unlucky to choose one of those items from that 19%) 100 calories may not seem like a lot to people who aren’t counting calories, but it’s the difference of having a snack or not for me.

Continuing on with why the world hates me, according to the Tufts lab analysis, Chipotle’s burrito bowl with rice, black beans, peppers, onions, lettuce, green tomatillo salsa and cheese (which if you notice my picture above is almost EXACTLY what I got today) had 703 total calories which is 249 more than what was expected based on information from the restaurant’s website.

This article just concludes my theory of why I have so much anxiety. It’s because I know how unlucky I am. When you hear about those stories like a plane crashed in the ocean and everyone survived except one unfortunate soul, yeah that person was just like me. I’m that small percentage of things going wrong. I could’ve found an article about McDonalds giving wrong calories or a chain on the West Coast that I’ve  never been to, but no. It’ about the one restaurant that I chose to go to today. Not only that, but it decided to reference the one thing I ordered from the menu as being almost 250 more calories then I thought it was. Now you tell me that it’s all coincidence.

I am paranoid because I just expect the worst possible scenario, always.


CNN Article about this:

Worrying About Spontaneous Face Combustion

Okay world, you win. You have officially come up with the craziest thing for me to worry about: Spontaneous Face Combustion.

Kim Grice, a 29-year-old mother of three, was having a routine outpatient surgery to remove some growths from her face when it BURST INTO FLAME. This poor woman suffered burns to her face and neck and had to be helicoptered to the University of South Alabama’s Burn Unit on Tuesday morning.

APPARENTLY what happened to Kim Grice was not an isolated incident. Experts have estimated that each year 650 fires flare up in operating rooms around the country. Some patients have recovered with scars and emotional damage but some DIE from burns and smoke inhalation. Why have I never heard of this?!

They are investigating the “flash fire” but apparently the doctors are as surprised as everyone else. I guess this explains the reactions of the doctors in this photo below.

“God golly gosh! This has startled me. What should we do? Let’s marvel at it for a bit. I mean, it IS a medical mystery!”

I can now add a new fear to my list for when I have to have any type of surgery done to me in the future. Thanks world. I’m pretty sure you’re doing this on purpose now just to laugh at people with anxiety and paranoia issues like myself. Awesomeness!

MSNBC article:

My Google-Diagnosis – Anxiety Disorder

After Google-diagnosing myself, I’ve come to the very real conclusion that I have a type of Anxiety Disorder referred to as Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) as well as a slight case of Panic Disorder. As defined by the Anxiety Disorders Association of America (ADAA), “Generalized Anxiety Disorder is characterized by persistent, excessive, and unrealistic worry about everyday things. People with the disorder experience exaggerated worry and tension, often expecting the worst, even when there is no apparent reason for concern. They anticipate disaster and are overly concerned about money, health, family, work, or other issues. They don’t know how to stop the worry cycle and feel it is beyond their control, even though they usually realize that their anxiety is more intense than the situation warrants. GAD affects 6.8 million adults, or 3.1% of the U.S. population, in any given year. Women are twice as likely to be affected.” Panic Disorder on the other hand is just a fancy word used to describe Panic/Anxiety Attacks which I don’t get often but have had.

I have always had this sort of lingering anxiety in my mind but only recently has it become a little out of control at times. I’ve never brought it up to a doctor before for fear of them having to run tests on me or prescribing me “zombie medication”. (Yes, you will be able to see/find my posts laced with worry) Of course I entertained the idea of resorting to prescription medication but why would I want to dull down my ridiculous imagination? “Normal” people riding the subway when it stops between stations may simply get aggravated and wait for it to move again. My brain on the other hand immediately concocts an elaborate action movie scenario where the train is being hijacked by terrorists and I must survive. In my mind this is a total possibility to me by the way, joking aside.

With all of this medical mumbo jumbo it’s easy for some to think that I believe I have some sort of debilitating mental condition that is ruining my life. In reality, I don’t always mind it. Yes it gets annoying when my brain goes into “threat level midnight” mode over the smallest thoughts, especially when I know that I’m being ridiculous, but it makes me who I am in some weird way. I have been thinking of going to therapy though and feel that it may actually give me some interesting posts to write on here about how people try to deal with treating Anxiety Disorders. I’ve read that many people who feel that they have anxiety are too afraid to seek help for it because they are ashamed or believe people will think they are a hypochondriac. I on the other hand don’t feel ashamed in telling someone that I’m a tad bit crazy because honestly everyone that I’ve found to be interesting in this world was at least a little insane.

“I guess the line between being paranoid and being a rock star is smaller than one would expect.” – Brian Molko

– LaLa